I’m just so depressed. What else is new? It’s weird though— I feel like I’m really depressed but I’m doing a better job of masking it. I’m only really depressed when I’m by myself, and like anyone else who’s depressed, for reasons unknown I like it that way. Why do we like to be alone to bask in our misery? I just don’t get it. 

I just feel so left out of everything, and that everyone, including my boyfriend, secretly hates me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he did, because I’m such a bummer to be around all the time. But if he ever broke up with me, I’d be more than a mess. 

I hate myself. I hate my life. I wanna kill myself. Everyone hates me. Whenever I think those things, in my head they sound like something a little kid would say, as meaningless as “I wanna run away,” or “I hate school.” But then I think, little kids shouldn’t think like that. Then I realize why I think those thoughts are so young-sounding. It’s because the first time I tried to kill myself, I was seven years old, and I held my breath as long as I could. It’s because I’d lie in bed screaming I HATE MY LIFE when I was nine years old, and my parents blamed tiredness.

I wish I could be reborn. Not in some Christian way, but literally. I want to start my life over again from day 1, and change my decisions. I regret so much, and I can’t help but wonder how much of it has led me to be the miserable person I am today.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be at school, but I hate being home. So what’s left?

For the past few days, especially today and yesterday, I’ve just felt like everything I’m doing is a waste of time. I don’t have anything in the short term to look forward to, which is something I need. It seems like everything is just an endless, pointless cycle…week of classes; drink on the weekend; repeat.

We just got back from break, and when I was home I couldn’t wait to go back to school. Now that I’m here I want to be…well, just somewhere else…I don’t even know.

I should be really excited for next year…I’m hoping and thinking everything will just be better. New roommate, bigger room, pledging, my friends living in my building…it’s all so exciting. Even the summer is…I’m going at birthright and working at my old sleep away camp, also known as my “home away from home.”

I think a large part of it is my grades. I haven’t been doing well, and I feel like I’m wasting my time doing any sort of school work. I feel stupid, out of place, and undeserving of even the smallest things that make me remotely happy.

Yesterday, I was so close to taking a handful of my depression meds, passing out, and never waking up. For almost my whole life, I’ve had casual thoughts of suicide, and simply wishing I was dead, but with no intention to act on it. However, yesterday, it seemed so close, easy, and real. It hadn’t felt that way since my suicide attempt in 2009.

The only thing that’s been making me happy the past few days is my boyfriend. I love him so much, and lying in bed with him cuddling is the only time I feel really okay. I know I should probably talk to him about this, but he’s sick of hearing about my drama and depression. The last thing I need is for him to break up with me, so I just don’t talk about it.

I don’t know…I just feel so empty.